reclaiming

life … my first time juicing without nessa. the loneliness that washed over me when i couldn’t bend down and give her the pulp is overwhelming. no putting part of the juice back into the fibres for my little girl. to help her digestion. to give my baby vitamins. just a bin. my baby is gone. i am paralyzed. trying to come out, to move – but the thickness of the air holds me back. my baby girl. is gone

change

i closed my kitchen for a while. then we moved. just one week later, my dear nessa felt that i had gotten it together enough for her to move on to her next phase as well. my heart aches with every beat. never have i had a friend, a love like her. in this new home that i chose for her i must settle. without. i want to run. i want to let all my stuff rot here and start over in a new place. a beautiful home like the one we lived in. but i can’t. circumstances are showing me i need to stay. sit. stay. here.

but whenever i try to settle. to unpack the little things that would make this place mine. my mind goes blank. my eyes unfocus. time, i find out later, passes. and i finish each day upeneded. clinging to the cat for support. dear thing. she helps so. but i still don’t believe i can do this without nessa. my better half. the bit of me that i hid deep inside, she was not afraid to show the world. love, kindness, generosity, nonjudgment, wonder.

to the end she was perfect. her passing, too, was perfect. beautiful. my sweet girl had thought of everything. even though i told her i would let her go when she was ready, she still gave me an out. she knew i wouldn’t be able to handle her body in the house, and she left in such a way that we were at the vet. she knew i wanted to be by her side – and she left on a sunday so that we were able to spend saturday together and i didn’t come home from work to find her and berate myself forever that she felt a moment’s discomfort and i wasn’t there for her. she felt 20 minutes of discomfort. and the vet helped her. then we were together. together, with the help of virginia, we let her spirit free from her tired body. each chakra cleared, the energy moved up towards her heart, her color shifting. a light blue. my color. the one my baby chose to go out on.

i know she is an angel. and i see her as an angel and i feel her with me. but i miss her more than i can say as the tears roll down my cheeks and fall onto tasha’s back. truly speechless i am with this pain that is every cell of my being. one day i hope that i can be comforted that the day she passed was a perfect day and i will be able to feel her with me all the time because i know she is there. my grief clouds my perception.

letting go

Realizing that you’ve been trapped somewhere.  In your head.  Where you didn’t necessarily know you were trapped.  Or why.  Looking at why.  You were there.  Seeing that you.  Are the only one.  With the key.

listening

Is best when you are paying attention to what you hear.  Acting on what you listen to.  Behaving in a way that manifests what you sense inside.  Being true to yourself.  Doing what feels right.  Truth.  Awareness.  Authenticity.  Allowing yourself to be the true self that sits deep inside.  Listening to a voice that seems quiet but should actually be the clearest bell we hear.  Pure tone.  Resonating.  Oneness.

a new year

This year I spontaneously resolutioned.  With no effort, no external stimulii.  I sat in my house and just suddently felt different and became clear on the changes I need to make in my life.  Mavis – my new-best-friend-WVO-ride – is one of the early harbingers of that change and to her (if that doesn’t sound so strange) I am grateful.  Every day that she brings me where I need to go without harming the environment with Carbon emissions and without contributing to our current state of energy-lack-of-security.  I also spontaneously began (what I am intending will be) a 92 day juice feast.  Which means that I had to put all my chocolate in the freezer until spring (spring!!).  So the lab is closed for a bit.  But that is OK as this whole spontaneous combustion has been so exciting I know that my chocolate will only become more inspired (and taste better) when the time comes again.  Which doesn’t mean I may not have more to say.  Funny (peculiar, not ha-ha) but this is the first time I’ve written as if I were speaking with someone else and not just expressing my ideas, thoughts, feelings.  Hmmm……  2008

push pull

Change.  The push to go forward, the pull to remain with the familiar.  Fear plays a big part of it.  Holding tight to what you know, what is comfortable, what has become you.

fear

It is there.  You feel it.  It is real.  The challenge is how to face life once aware that you are feeling fear.

first time

I can’t hardly (and don’t want to) wipe the smile off my face.  The thrill of driving on the same freeway, the same streets – without an ounce of gasoline!  My first drive on vegetable oil was beyond words.  There I was, on the freeway – all the cars next to me – just like yesterday – but TOTALLY different.  And no one knew but me.  Kind of that “I-have-a-secret” feeling you have right after you lose your virginity.  Everyone you see perceives you as exactly the same as the day before but you know things are profoundly different and will never be the same again.  Kind of like that.  It is incredible.  That is all I can say about it.  Except that you should try too!

wet

I just did it. I jumped!!  After weeks of research (resulting in a spreadsheet that has impressed several mechanics) I analyzed my driving habits, location, possible future locations, and concerns re: impacts on the diesel engine from running it on WVO and went with a single-tank conversion kit by Plant Drive.  I’m so excited, I’m writing emails to everyone I know so they can be happy for me too! Next Thursday is the big day – and I can’t wait!!!

boredom

Is a weird thing.  Sometimes when you are bored you do things you never would do if you weren’t looking for ways to entertain yourself.  You can get yourself into trouble when you are bored.  Especially with other people.  Better not to play.