change

i closed my kitchen for a while. then we moved. just one week later, my dear nessa felt that i had gotten it together enough for her to move on to her next phase as well. my heart aches with every beat. never have i had a friend, a love like her. in this new home that i chose for her i must settle. without. i want to run. i want to let all my stuff rot here and start over in a new place. a beautiful home like the one we lived in. but i can’t. circumstances are showing me i need to stay. sit. stay. here.

but whenever i try to settle. to unpack the little things that would make this place mine. my mind goes blank. my eyes unfocus. time, i find out later, passes. and i finish each day upeneded. clinging to the cat for support. dear thing. she helps so. but i still don’t believe i can do this without nessa. my better half. the bit of me that i hid deep inside, she was not afraid to show the world. love, kindness, generosity, nonjudgment, wonder.

to the end she was perfect. her passing, too, was perfect. beautiful. my sweet girl had thought of everything. even though i told her i would let her go when she was ready, she still gave me an out. she knew i wouldn’t be able to handle her body in the house, and she left in such a way that we were at the vet. she knew i wanted to be by her side – and she left on a sunday so that we were able to spend saturday together and i didn’t come home from work to find her and berate myself forever that she felt a moment’s discomfort and i wasn’t there for her. she felt 20 minutes of discomfort. and the vet helped her. then we were together. together, with the help of virginia, we let her spirit free from her tired body. each chakra cleared, the energy moved up towards her heart, her color shifting. a light blue. my color. the one my baby chose to go out on.

i know she is an angel. and i see her as an angel and i feel her with me. but i miss her more than i can say as the tears roll down my cheeks and fall onto tasha’s back. truly speechless i am with this pain that is every cell of my being. one day i hope that i can be comforted that the day she passed was a perfect day and i will be able to feel her with me all the time because i know she is there. my grief clouds my perception.